THE SNOW PRINCESS

Once upon a time in the land of Snow and Ice there was a magical land Called ALASKA! This land had very few people living there, pretty nasty weather, darkness in the winter, the highest cost of living in the land BUT it had the most natural resources anyone could ever imagine. Things like Gold and Salmon were common place but the biggest one was OIL. In this land a wise old King named Hammond devised a way that all the people of Alaska got paid to live there from the money that the Kingdom received from the OIL! Wonder of wonders.

Now it came to pass that after the wise old King passed away a Woman, whom we shall call the “Snow Princess”, from the Village of Wasilla gained notice. She was runner up for the sacred title of Miss Alaska. For someone from a place so cold she was considered HOT. Over time she married Sir Todd of BP and had 5 children with him. He was a champion in the art of “Snowmobile Racing” and had won many tournaments. Her hotness drew young men to her side without the slightest of effort. She found a way to put this talent to good use.

At the same time the Kings came and went, they were too Old or too slick or to stupid, none were just right. At this time the wise people of Wasilla had seen fit to make the young and beautiful Snow Princess their leader. Though only a few thousand people inhabited Wasilla it seemed oddly enough you could see Russia from the Snow Princesses back Porch though it was over a thousand miles distance. Now the Princess thought that with her talent of drawing men to her service and the fact that the majority of people in the Kingdom were single males 24 – 36, she might have a good shot at being the KING.

She was every (Alaskan) mans dream woman, she loved to fish and hunt swore like a sailor, had a body that wouldn’t quit and she knew how to use it (five kids!). All she had to do was beat Tony Knowles, Viet Nam Vet, Mayor of Anchorage, Handsome, intelligent and all around family man and good guy. Well needless to say talent and experience lost out to Sex appeal. And she was proclaimed King of Alaska!

Now all the men who voted for her thought they had some claim on her but that was a fantasy that they all got wrong. Straight talker and shoot from the hip kind of gal she was dumb as a fence post. But how smart do you need to be to run a backwater State like Alaska? Anything she needed to know the Big Oil Companies would be glad to tell her, after all they had been there before she was even born.

Now the Snow Princess started her new job as King and soon realized that in fact she had to work! Everyday! And she had to go to Juneau, the state Capital. Now this situation severely upset the Snow Princess. She couldn’t see Russia from there or her kids or her house. She didn’t like Juneau and consequently Juneau didn’t like her. In particular all those State Legislators. They thought they were the boss there. Didn’t they know she was voted the “Boss”!

Well as time went by The Snow Princess really didn’t like being the Boss. Everybody was yelling at her and suing her and telling her she was being unethical and it was just horrible. So being dumb as a box of rocks she decided she was going to save the state a bunch of time and money and quit her job, mainly because it was Horrible and she just couldn’t get no respect.

Then wonder of wonders some dummies in Washington D.C. (Dummy Central) told her she needed to run as vice King of the whole country. Nobody could say anything bad about her then because nobody had even heard of her and besides she was HOT and the other guy was Old and rich and didn’t really know her either. The guy on the other side was a Puerto Rican she thought. So the Snow Princess didn’t quit being king of Alaska, not just yet.

The contest was no contest and the other dummy won it. So back she went to Alaska and quit her job. But lo and behold she saw that there were a lot of dummies, just like her, in this country and she was more popular than ever. She couldn’t stand the heat so she got out of the kitchen and wrote a couple of books. Went on the talk circuit and started getting $100K a speech, and she didn’t even need to know what the words meant or how to spell them. She’s a millionaire. What a Country! And she lived happily everafter. The End. (not quite but that’s another story)